I should write this in Mandarin, as I normally express myself better in my mother tongue. But it’s rather intriguing that how Chinese funeral rituals are performed is closely linked to Chinese beliefs and culture which friends of other races, ethnicities and nationalities are curious about. So a more universal language would be more globally accepted here.

This post by all means is not disrespecting my grandmother by making her funeral a topic. It is merely due to my inquisitive nature and of what I see.

Now my parents were not sure which ceremonial process should they follow actually, Taoist (ceremonies performed by Taoist Masters or better known as Na Mo Lou in Cantonese, or 南无佬) or Buddhist (ceremonies performed by Buddhist monks). So in the end they opted to do both, in 2 nights’ time. Why so? Well actually in Chinese culture, in detail, relatives with higher seniority and outsiders will actually be “monitoring” how family of the deceased handles the funeral rituals. If it is not being handled correctly, or according to the standard rituals, which is regarded as seriously disrespecting the deceased, social pressure will be inflicted upon. However in this case, it was also partially because of the reason that my grandmother did not really specify which method she wishes the ceremony to be in, so out of respect as well that my parents decided to perform both, just in case.

For the first night, many relatives came and pay their last respect to my grandmother. They came in, burn a jostick and took a last look at my grandmother through a glass “opening” on the coffin. The undertakers or 仵作佬 seems to have done a good job of applying makeup/makeover or something as my grandmother really looked like she was just asleep. Then they would contribute a sum of money to the fees of the funeral, according to their wishes and judgement of how close they are with my grandmother. I was assigned with the job of keeping track of these monies and jotting down every contributor and the sum of their contribution. These monies, in Chinese we call it 白金. Not as in platinum but rather meaning more like “funeral money”. Well as I seem to be the best person for the job. I can read and write Mandarin, I know how to speak Hakka (90% of the relatives from my mother’s side of the family is of Hakka ethnicity), I know martial arts (there have been reported cases in the same area that there is this gang of Indians, no offense ya, yes Indian gang which purposely robs funeral money collected by families organizing funeral ceremonies) and last but not least, I am the most trustworthy person for the job (there are some very untrustworthy persons in the family, I might say).

The Na Mo Lou had led the deceased’s immediately family in numerous rituals which includes various movements like burning josticks, bowing, making rounds around the coffin, making rounds around the altar, kneeling down, kow-tow (an action where one kneel down on his/her knees and touch his/her forehead on the ground, as a sign of pay respects, in this case, the deceased, my grandmother), calling out to my grandmother’s spirit, etc. There were some rather entertaining moments as well (here comes the photos).

Guess what these things do?

8 big sacks of sand

a bottle of 5 litre cooking oil

a carton of 30 chicken eggs with Chinese caligraphy on it

some small coloured flags with Chinese caligraphy on it as well

It is used to create something like this.

When lit up, it’s like this.

Yes it’s a two-ended Chinese dragon with a fiery mouth and chasing a pearl with approximately 30 eggs on it. I’m really not sure what those eggs and the dragons meant but this was just the beginning of the entertaining part.

Well then the Taoist Masters started with their half-chanting half-singing rituals, revolving around the dragons and eggs. Half way through the ritual, the assistant started to heat up a pan of cooking oil between the dragons by burning a lot of hell currency notes (paper currency supposed to be used by the deceased in hell).


The pan of cooking oil is engulfed in the fire.

Then after a few rounds of chanting/singing, the Taoist Masters slurped up some liquid into their mouths, prepare in a kungfu-like stance, and jumped across the 2 dragons, spitting the liquid like a spray, into the boiling pan of cooking oil, resulting in a big ball of fire, almost engulfing the Taoist Master.

I guess those liquids are of very high alcohol content. Maybe some Chinese rice wine or something.

However after that, I found out that there were coins buried in the sand dragons where the heirs of my grandma, meaning me and 2 dozen of other relatives, will need to scour through the sands (eeww!) and find all these coins, as a symbol of blessing and prosperity from my grandma. I didn’t participate in the “treasure hunt” as I need to be manning the funeral money collection box.

There was also another ritual where it simulates the fairy tale of the souls of the dead comes to a river which divides the human realm and the Hell realm. This river is called 奈河, Nai River. According to folklores, before crossing, there is a Hell officer guarding the river and he determines whether the soul is guilty or not of what he/she did during their time as human. One of the Taoist Masters plays the Hell officer here. Don’t know why but he looks like the God of Prosperity (财神) to me.

They purposely stacked the tables and chairs higher as it simulates the Chinese officials during ancient times where they sit high up above. Need not worry for the Taoist Master though as they have done QC for the chairs and tables.

Here, the Taoist Master playing the Hell official would question the soul attempting to cross the Nai River bridge whether he or she had done anything guilty during their times as humans. Some Taoist Master with a sense of humour would also question the soul if he/she has settled all their debts and matters from their human life, like “Have you settled your income taxes? Got your death certificate? Cancelled your identity card?” sorta questions.

Besides this, there is also a tradition where we burn the paper model version of stuffs that we want to send to our deceased relatives, to have them being able to use it once they are “on the other side”. One perfect example here is a house, with servants.

Here’s a zoom-in on the living room. It’s sorta wrong to put your sofas beside the TV set and facing outside. Like the TV was meant for people looking in from the outside more than for people sitting on the sofas.

I am quite amazed by the detail of the ‘house’. But hey there’s more to come. So what’s good for a TV set if you’re just gonna get local crappy programs? That’s also covered as well! We’ve got Hell ASTLO!

That comes with a remote control as well!

But hey, my grandma’s gonna have a ‘car’ too.

The rear of the car really resembles an old version of the Mercedes Benz car.

It runs on Michelim tyres (as in Michelin) as well, for perfect road grip, cornering stability, all weather suitability and all sorts of other reasons.

Yeah the car even has a road tax sticker! Issued from the Hell’s JPJ! With no expiration.

It’s even got its own serial number! This is really over… I don’t know what to say…

Oh wait, my grandma doesn’t know how to drive! So what’s good for her to have a car? Do they have driving school there in hell (or whatever place that’s “on the other side”)? No worries, we’ve got it all covered, again. We are gonna send her a driver too!

Well at the end of this ceremony the deceased’s immediate family will need to name the servants and driver. The male servant is named 招财, which means “Brings wealth”, and the female servant is named 进宝, which means “Brings wealth” as well! You gotta be amazed with the chinese language which has got all sorts of ways to talk about the same thing. For the driver, we were originally planning to call ‘him’ Raja Segaran but then the Taoist Master suggested to name ‘him’ 安全, which means safety, ‘cos safety is a primary requirement to become a driver.

Before “sending” our stuffs over, you can see in the photo below it is first being set in front of an altar so that the Taoist Masters can “direct” it to my grandma. Then the transporters in Hell will know whom to deliver it to, I guess. And I think that’s how they install Hell ASTLO satellite TV in Hell as well.

Then as usual, we burn all these stuffs and then keep our fingers crossed that my grandma will receive it in proper order and not like a car without tyres or house without ASTLO

There’s also these 2 pieces of paper being put up as a notice on the wall. It details when would be the best time to go for the cremation, those of which born on which years can or cannot watch when the coffin is nailed tight and also those of which born on which years can or cannot be present when the coffin is sent for cremation.

Also there is this other piece of paper which determines also the days which sons are going to perform praying ceremonies and which days the daughters are to do so.

All the above rituals are from the Taoist Masters way. As for the true Buddhism way, since my mum is a member of the Jinjang Buddhism Association, almost 50 members of the association came on the second night. They were the ones conducting the Buddhism funeral ritual for my grandma. The ritual was simple. It just involves chanting mantra (prayers) for at least 70 minutes non-stop with an altar having some fruits and cakes as offerings.

So on the last day before my grandma was sent for cremation, we were not allowed to see when the coffin was nailed shut and moved into the coffin transport (a Toyota Estima in this case, we wanted it to be grand for my grandma). The Taoist Masters say when they move the coffin, it’s the time where my grandma’s spirit is the most strongest and can get through different dimensions and we might see her.

There was really not much to say about the cremation process though as we all know it requires a vast amount of heat to transfer everything into ashes. Almost all crematorium around Klang Valley were fully booked. We had to send my grandma here which is in PJ.

After returning from the crematorium, all the relatives gather together and have lunch. During lunch, we all talked about how my grandma took care of all of us (my grandma single handedly brought up 2 generations of people, which includes me too), how we took care of her, how we have spent our times together, etc.

All in all, I’ve realized a few things through the whole funeral ritual.
1. It’s freaking tiring. You won’t have enough sleep, you have to be there all the time, tons of things for you to handle and decide, and you have to worry bad people will rob your funeral money, etc etc. The list goes on.

2. Everything is freaking expensive and the price cannot be bargained. Everything, from coffin, funeral ritual services from the Taoist Masters, columbarium (place where you put the urn of ashes, 骨灰阁), building of the tent for guests coming to pay their last respects to my grandma, various paper models (car, house, TV, ASTLO, driver, servants, etc), hell money, josticks, candles, paper lanterns, coffin transport, cremation, etc etc. All these are the price of the first mentioned price, no haggle, no nothing. For chinese, if you want a proper funeral but have not much money, better die later, or better don’t die.

3. You get to meet lots of relatives. A lot means, almost everyone in the family.

4. Chinese culture, is a very very very very complicated culture.

5. Although the funeral rituals are complicated and tiring, it serves its purpose to mourn the dead and comfort the living. When during the last session where all relatives gather together, we all talked about my grandma and it sorta became a common factor to bond us together. It brought us closer to each other, I felt. The mourning also serves as a closure for the living. My mum still dreams about my grandma and am quite not used to having so much time after my grandma passed away because she used to be the one who takes care of her. However I would imagine it to be worse if we didn’t have this funeral as a closure.

Thank you for your audience to be able to read until here. I know it’s a long post. Thank you.

Grandma, you will live in my memories forever. I love you.

It wasn’t really unanticipated, but we didn’t think it would be this fast. At least I didn’t think it would be this fast. My grandma left us, for a better place, I hope. She was 93 years old, or maybe even older, as she was only issued with an identification document long after independence and no one could remember when she was born.

I was in a meeting room when my dad called me to inform me about it. I left my phone on charge at my desk and missed the calls. I only knew when I went on a break and sorta checked my phone.

I’m not down with no feelings. These words are cold and flat and insufficient to describe what I’m feeling now. All the memories that I had with my grandma, coming back to me. A flash back of everything. How she held my hand numerous times when it was time for me to go to school. How she helped me tie my shoe laces. How she took care of me. How she would cackle on some of my jokes. How I would chat with her like almost shouting in her ears when she lost hearing on one of her ears and not everyone would have the patience to talk to her. How she would “include” some “foreign objects” into the meals she prepared for me.

I just can’t stop crying. I’ve always been a cry baby since young. I just have no control on the tears. I just hope I won’t have my grandma listening to my cryings.

Last I visited her few days ago, she was bed-ridden already, facing difficulties even to sit, and was down to bone-like thin. She couldn’t eat, at all. Everyday was like just milk or water. She also suffered from osteopoirosis. She couldn’t travel far at all. I wanted her to know, that where I stand now, is where I wanted her to see where I am, but it’s just too late. Too late for anything. I knew she always loved me more than my sister. I just hope… she knows that I love her too…

她93岁了.也许更老,却无从考究，她身份证上的出生日期似乎是后来补上的……现在看着她睡在旧屋的床上，连坐起来也成问题，说话上气不接下气的，无法进食、只能喝水，骨瘦如材……我不禁落下泪来，无法停止。

搜索记忆，至少24年前，也许更早，我外婆便开始照顾我了。当时我还小。还记得外婆都会每天早上带我到附近一间住家式食肆吃猪肠粉，太小了，才4~5岁，不太能吃辣的。当时她也70岁了吧！

不久我便学会了吃辣的，结果外婆天天（几乎吧）都打包加哩饭给我当早餐。我才5岁哦！外婆还笑说∶“那么喜欢吃加哩饭，以后别要吃政府的加哩饭（意指坐牢，因为当时所有囚犯都只被配给吃加哩饭而已）才好！”

长大一点，6岁。外婆几乎每天都牵着我的手带我去幼儿园上学。还记得有一天不知道怎的，外婆没带我去，回家途中我实在太顽皮，向野狗群扔石头，惹来了一群的野狗要追我来啃食。才6岁哦！人矮腿短（虽然现在也人不高腿不长），还好勉强跑得过它们才得救。从此我只跟外婆去上学。

搬了家，外婆跟我们一起住，照旧带我和妹妹幼儿园上、放学。除此还照顾我们一切的衣食。放学后我也常和外婆聊天。她开始有重听了，只右耳比较行，我都是凑到她耳边说话的。

当时外婆老了，煮的东西都常不时“加料”给我们，常有些不明外来物体出现在盘餐中。还记得组合是，炒米粉加塑胶带、粥加头发、等等，吃得我们“津津有味”。

每年农历新年，外婆都有两封红包给我。一封是新年的、一封是给我农历生日（我正月初三生日），妹妹往往只有一封，还哭着喊不公平，却忘了她在农历生日八月时就有一封。 始终知道，外婆是比较疼我的。

大概10年前，外婆搬回旧屋去住了，说什么死也要死在萧家的屋，不能死在徐家的屋什么的。从此，我也一个人上学、放学、弄吃的等等自己来料理。

渐渐地年纪越来越大，我忙功课、忙生活、忙考试、忙朋友、忙女朋友、忙找工、忙赚钱、忙一切，忙得不可开交，却忘了外婆。:( 当我开始有能力以经济能力报答外婆时，她已不便于行了。我感慨，可是我也忘记了，抛到脑后。

过往的生活，童年的许多点滴，历历在目。我可以一直继续写下去。这篇，写了好久，一直觉得无法把真正的感情写进去，一直觉得写得不满意。我左斟右酌，想了一遍又一遍。结论∶我的感觉，非笔墨所能形容！文字是冰冷的。

自己生来眼比较“浅”，眼泪很容易就会溢出来。每当想到外婆对我的好、带我上/放学、煮吃的、讲故事、陪我说话、教我客家话、开收音机电台广播剧给她听、向她拿零用钱、耳边说话……我都哭了，没有哭声，只有泪。

刚才听妈妈说，外婆今天连拼出的咦咦呀呀声也无法作到了。看妈妈，也哭过了。我像她。爸爸说，等时间了，应该不会超过一、两个星期。剩下的时间不多了，我真的好想可以有机会报答外婆，报答她对我的爱，我真的不知道怎样好。我只能看着时间的沙钟一滴一滴地流逝，看着死神把生命一点一点从外婆身上抽去，感觉真的好无助！此时此刻，我希望外婆可以意识清醒地听我说我和妹妹的成就，让她对我们感到骄傲，让她知道她的外孙们都很争气、很能干，让她知道她没有白养我们，可是她连我也不认得了！我知道，我只能怪自己。
 

痛，在心里；泪，在眼里；悔，在心底。外婆……我会好好过的，我会让你为我感到骄傲的，我会让你微笑的……

Ok Singaporeans you might wanna put your crosshairs on my head now ‘cos I’m gonna say something that’s not so pleasant to your ears.

Now I’m ’stranded’ here in Orchard Road, Singapore, with no money to shop and no energy to walk. So I got myself this free public wifi service called ‘Wireless@SG’ by SingTel. So I just went into the McD in Lucky Plaza, found a nice cozy corner and started my web surfing (enjoy! )

Now I guess I was too tired and thirsty that actually I sipped the whole cup of small-sized soft drink down the throat in like, I dunno, 30 seconds maybe.

Well so I went to the counter and asked for a refill. To my surprise, they say they don’t provide free refills!!! What the heck!?? They provide free refills back in Malaysia but their Singapore counterparts does not? How come? Soft drinks more expensive in Singapore? I doubt so. Business is bad? I doubt so too. Crowds everywhere. Sure don’t look like business is bad to me.

I told this to a few of my online chat buddies and to my surprise, almost all of them came up with the same possibility, which may very well be the truth for most Singaporeans, that is, if McD Singapore provides free refills the “kiasu” Singaporeans will most probably refill to their hearts’ content and make McD Singapore bankrupt in matters of months, if not weeks. Now I’m not flaming alll Singaporeans as I know not everybody is like this, but to come to a level where multiple separate individuals would come up to a same possibility of this scenario, boy Singaporeans must be really famous with this kinda “kiasu” attitude.

Well however I could come up with another possibility, a possibility which generally suggests how businesses are being conducted in Singapore, “kiasi”. This seems to be quite famed generally among Singaporeans as well. McD is so afraid of ‘dying’ due to bankruptcy by providing too much soft drinks refills that they decided not to provide any at all.

Ok by now you might be already thinking that this topic, with this length, is by least an overkill already. But hey if you talk about kiasu and kiasi generally, you could actually explain quite a lot of cultural phenomena and practices not found in other countries at all. And now, I have no money to shop, no energy to walk and to add to that, thirsty! *This post’s sole intention is to blame all kiasu and kiasi Singaporeans for my thirst, so if you ever try to defend yourself here, you are considered very kiasu*

Oh great, it’s wedding season again and I’m being bombarded with tons of invitations. Okay maybe not tons, but at least 6 if I remembered correctly.

So this month is really a tight financial situation for me. You know why? ‘Cos we Chinese (okay maybe only Chinese in Malaysia/Singapore/South East Asia region) have this cultural (is it really cultural?) practice that whenever we are invited to wedding dinners, we chip some money out for the bride/bridegroom for the wedding dinner, generally as a sign of prosperity, considerateness and friendship/familial ties. We ‘help’ the newly weds by easing their financial burden of the marriage.

Now I don’t mind getting into such a situation you see because all invitations *should be* (note, should be) only sent to persons that you are very closed to. Surely it is odd to invite a not-so-close acquaintance or a friend that you have not been in contact for years (’cos that means that you guys are not close at all). But there are always those who invite for the sole intention to invite and get people to chip in money only. I know I shouldn’t be bad-mouthing people but there are such people. I just wish I could just tell them that “hey we are not really that close, are we?” but in this community where oriental cultural values of courtesy is what we grew up from, it’s considered a very mean thing to say (yeah okay, I’m too wussy to say it then, but please gimme the benefit of a lame excuse please…). So in some ocassions when I’m invited by some one I’m not really close with and I attend, it’d be only because I wanna meet close friends/relatives who are attending.

To add salt to injury, people always ask you all sorts of questions that resembles “hey when’s your turn then?” or “see? people so fast lo, you must also ‘add oil’ la, catch up mar!” or “ei next time when it’s your turn arr, invite me! I sure come one!” or “ei how come you come alone geh? got gf don’t just keep secret secret mar! must bring out and let us meet!” or plain just taking photos of pairs of love birds, whether married or going to be married (okay this one is personal, plain annoying me only ‘cos I’ve got no one to take photos with).

Sorry la, don’t have gf cannot meh? I’m not gay! Geting married late cannot meh? Wanna choose from more choices cannot meh? Wanna play bachelor for a few years more cannot meh? Blah bla bla bla bla… I could go on and on.

The truth is, I’m jealous. I admit. But hey what did we just say about courtesy? And I thought we should be always looking out for other people’s feelings. So I bitch about it, why not just refuse to attend? Well… it’s courtesy at work again, miraculously, hypocritically. Good luck in your marriage, I’d say (in a different tone for different people ).

I know my posts are long and a lot of words. There are a few reasons why I do so. So if you do get this far down this post, you either have nothing else better to do, bored, likes to read about other people’s rantings and daily life, or maybe you are one of my close friends / relatives (well generally my relatives aren’t tech savvy at all so I doubt any of them will be reading a blog), or maybe you have a crush on me . We’ll talk about this some other time then. Need to attend another wedding.